Hiei's Guide To Life
by CerberusOfThe5
Summary: Hiei's outlook on life and how it works. Quick fic. No flames, please. I also apologize if anything in this fic offends anyone.
1. Life

Disclaimer: I only own the rules, not Hiei or any other character.  
  
This is what I think Hiei thinks of life. Some of these may be true, some might not. To anyone that is reading Dragon Flame: I'm going to finish it, don't worry. I was just thinking about these during Social Studies and decided to make a fic out of it. If you read, review!  
  
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Life sucks- get used to it.  
  
You're not going to make $40,000 right out of high school. You're not going to be a vice president with a car phone until you earn both.  
  
You're parents had a life before you were born. Telling them that they're not cool is stating an obvious fact.  
  
Run from laziness, you'll get great exercise.  
  
You think your teacher's mean, wait till you get a boss.  
  
Don't laugh at short people otherwise you'll feel bad when they are slam- dunking along side Michael Jordan and the Bulls.  
  
People are full of shit, you better get some too.  
  
In real life people have to work to get paid.  
  
TV is NOT like life in anyway. In real life, people have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.  
  
If you make $235 a month, don't intend to spend more than $60.  
  
Don't make fun of nerds; chances are you'll be working for one. You're not going stay a kid forever. Eventually you'll get wrinkles and begin to shrink.  
  
Humans are not invincible. Jumping off a building will hurt (you, not me).  
  
Girls are high strung. Get one angry and it will hurt more than jumping off the building.  
  
Demons have feelings too, they're just harder to get to.  
  
Dogs eat anything and everything. Leaving a stick of dynamite in its dish is not a smart thing to do.  
  
I look back on my life and see nothing interesting. Chances are you won't either.  
  
There is no such thing as short, just vertically challenged.  
  
Dragons are our friends. If you think otherwise, you're toast.  
  
CIA could mean many things. I have found out that it doesn't mean Cold In August or Common Intelligence Average.  
  
FBI doesn't stand for Falling In Butter.  
  
Socks don't stay white very long in Japan.  
  
Pink is a nasty color, if you like, I don't care. (Hiei is saying this, not me!)  
  
Not everyone in the world knows how to tie their shoes. Just because you can doesn't make you smart.  
  
Human Intelligence is a relative term.  
  
You humans need to go outside and do something before you get fat. Now, leave me alone before I get mad.  
  
The End  
  
I apologize if anything in this fic offended anyone, remember, this is Hiei talking and there are very few positive things he could or would say. Please Review!!! No Flames. 


	2. Dogs

Disclaimer: See chapter 1  
  
Yes Hiei's back for a second round. This time he is complaining about his dogs, Cuff and Cyress (see my other fic Dragon Flame). Remember, this is Hiei talking, if you are offended (I don't see why you would be) don't complain to me!  
  
Hi  
  
Dogs are stupid. Unless you want them dead, don't leave your jigsaw on when they're around.  
  
Dalmatians have spots. Using them as smudge tests when pretending to be a psychiatrist doesn't work.  
  
Dogs + Salsa = a night you'll never forget, trust me, I've tried.  
  
Dogs seem to be proud of their gender. If they show you pubic area, take it as a compliment.  
  
Dogs eat their own shit as well as the cats. Switch the litter box and the dog's bowl daily to save money on dog food.  
  
Dogs are stupid.  
  
Dogs can understand names. Rover and Spike are not their favorites.  
  
Dogs are fast. Keep an eye on them otherwise, they'll leave.  
  
Chocolate can give a dog epileptic spells.  
  
If you don't know what that means, you are just as smart as I am. I haven't a clue what that means either, I heard it on Emergency Vets.  
  
Cuff needs to be fed, hang on one minute.  
  
Ok.  
  
You don't own a dog, the dog owns you as Cuff just demonstrated.  
  
Dogs are stupid.  
  
Lawnmowers are natural enemies of the Canine family.  
  
A fence is necessary to keep a dog one place for more than five minutes.  
  
Poodles are prissy dogs and love to dress up. Pitbulls do not.  
  
Dogs Are Stupid.  
  
Now go feed your stupid dog.  
  
The End.  
  
Well, what did you think? Not as good as the first chappie? I know. Oh well, review anyway! In that review, please tell Hiei what to complain about next. Cats, Kurama and friends, Sports, basically anything. 


	3. Walmart

Standard Disclaimers Apply  
  
Hey. Thanx again for all your reviews. I still envy all of you who have a good 25, 50, even 100 reviews but 10 or more will suffice. I've got Hiei complaining about something weird but I think it's hilarious. Enjoy!  
  
Problem: Everything comes back to Wal-mart.  
  
You need a baseball glove, go to Wal-mart.  
  
You need Yugioh cards, go to Wal-mart.  
  
You need a car battery, go to Wal-mart.  
  
You need car tires, go to Wal-mart.  
  
You need a car body, go to Wal-mart.  
  
You need seats for this car, go to Wal-mart.  
  
You need an engine for this car, go to Wal-mart.  
  
You need a "How To Build A Car Book", go to Wal-mart.  
  
You need ice cream at 2:00 in the morning, go to Wal-mart.  
  
You need to get away from Kuwabara's complaining, go to Wal-mart.  
  
You want to waste a Sunday afternoon, go to Wal-mart.  
  
You need dog food, go to Wal-mart.  
  
You need a girl/boyfriend, go to Wal-mart.  
  
You need to get out of going to Church, a Wedding, seeing an Opera, etc., go to Wal-mart.  
  
You want to ogle girls/boys, go to Wal-mart.  
  
You need somebody to fix your roof cause you're too lazy to do it yourself, go to Wal-mart.  
  
You want to take your girlfriend somewhere for a date, go to Wal-mart.  
  
You need to mail a letter, go to Wal-mart.  
  
You need to waste some gas, go to Wal-mart.  
  
You need to get out of one of those pointless lectures from your parents/Kurama, go to Wal-mart.  
  
Your grandmother's coming to your house and you need to get away so she'll stop pinching your cheeks (the ones on your face), go to Wal-mart.  
  
You need to take Yusuke someplace so he'll stop picking fights with everyone on the street, go to Wal-mart.  
  
You need someplace to let your dragons exercise and eat people, go to Wal- mart.  
  
Example: One day in like August, I was bored. Kurama was away in Miami so I decided to write him a letter. I went all over my house looking for some paper. Found it. Next I needed a pencil. Found it. So I start writing this letter. 2 words in, my pencil brakes. I have no sharpener, so I went to Wal- mart to buy one. I get back home.  
  
So I finish the letter but I have no envelope, so I hop in my gold Viper with 2 parallel black stripes down the middle, and drive down to Wal-mart. I get home and realize that I have no stamps. Wal-mart, again. I get the stamps and come back home. Only then did I realize that I have no mailbox. Back to Wal-mart. I buy a mailbox and try to set I up outside my house. I need a hammer. Wal-mart once more. Mailbox is set up. I put the letter in it to realize that the mailman does not come to my house cause I didn't have a mailbox. I call up the post office who tells me that I need to go to a local store to confirm the address. To Wal-mart.  
  
Moral: Everything comes back to Wal-mart. Now go to Wal-mart and leave me alone.  
  
Not as funny as I thought it would be. R&R. 


	4. The Team

Hello again! Hiei is back to complain and entertain all of his adoring fans! This time, our little fire demon is complaining about Yusuke and them. One thing, there's a little Botan/Hiei stuff in this one. Don't like, don't read the "Botan" section. I , personally think that they're a cute couple. Also, for future reference, I hate Yoai! Especially the Kurama/Hiei couple. Thank you for your time and Enjoy!  
  
*Standard Disclaimers Apply*  
  
Yusuke, hmm . .  
  
10 words/phrases to describe Yusuke:  
  
Blunt  
  
Moronic  
  
An Asshole  
  
Save-the-day superhero  
  
In love with Keiko  
  
Stupid  
  
Oblivious  
  
A delinquent  
  
Moronic  
  
Umm . . 15?  
  
Kurama? He's easy. Let's see .  
  
10 words/phrases to describe Kurama:  
  
Intelligent  
  
Smarter than me  
  
Smarter than you  
  
Observant  
  
Smart  
  
Caring  
  
Bothersome (sometimes)  
  
Smart  
  
Prestidigitator  
  
Smart enough to know want the above word means  
  
Don't get me started .  
  
10 words/phrases to describe Kuwabara:  
  
Idiot  
  
Idiot  
  
Stupid  
  
Annoying  
  
Ass wipe  
  
Moron  
  
Idiot  
  
Idiot  
  
Worthless  
  
Idiot  
  
Botan, uh . hn. *blushes and looks at his feet*  
  
10 words/phrases to describe Botan:  
  
Happy  
  
Cheerful  
  
Uh . cute .hn  
  
The Grim Reaper  
  
Clueless  
  
Mad at me  
  
Uh . cute?  
  
Not going to kill me  
  
Happy  
  
*blushes* Cute . hn  
  
Go away. I've got stuff to . uh . think about. Leave!!!!  
  
_  
  
_  
  
_  
  
Why the hell are you still here?  
  
Go Away!!!!  
  
Um, you'd better get to the Review page. Hiei is mad. R & R!!! Thanx!  
  
Go!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 


End file.
